Who is the hero of your story?
Our brain’s primary function is to make sense and the way it does that is by making up stories, as stories are easy to understand. Stories help connect the dots. Stories don’t have to be accurate, they just have to make sense. So the brain is optimizing for coherence not accuracy.
Once we make up a story, we live in it. My story is my truth and your story is your truth. Consciously or subconsciously we are constantly making up stories about ourselves, other people and the world around us to make sense and make meaning of our life.
We also have parts of us with certain characteristics, that I am calling “voices’’ in our head. And these voices play roles in our stories. In fact based on roles these voices play in general, our story actually changes. Our stories can propel us or impede us. So why not assign these voices the roles in our stories such that stories serve us and frees us and propels us.
Let’s talk about
1. What are the typical roles / archetype of characters in a story
2. What are the typical actors / voices in our head
3. What roles are our voices typically playing to impede us
4. What roles should our voices play that will actually serve us
1. What are the typical roles / archetype of characters in a story
In all stories there are certain characters. Lets go over their roles with an example from Harry Potter.
- Hero / Protagonist (Harry): main character who moves the story forward
- Villain / Antagonist (Voldemort): the villain who opposes the protagonist. Opposite of Protagonist.
- Guide / Wise / Guardian & Confidante (Dumbledore): who helps equip the Protagonist to face the story challenge and usually explains what will be needed to succeed and the one who the protagonist confides in.
- Misguide / Contagonist (Snape): who tempts the protagonist to compromise his ideals/goal, often the villain’s henchman. Opposite of Guardian.
2. What are the typical actors / voices in our head
Now completely separately and with no relationship to the 4 archetypes of the story, let’s talk about 4 common voices in our heads. And any of these voices can be playing any of the 4 archetypes in our story.
- A) PoorME: Comfort Seeker / Victim / Martyr: This is the damsel in distress. Powerless, helpless and victimized by the unfair life and people. Constantly suffering . Always trying to do good and play by the rules to please others but still gets the short end of the stick. Life is happening “to it” (not “for it”). It is looking for comfort all the time since it is always in distress. Once in a while it rises up and sacrifices itself as a martyr too.
— — Pretends to the “good one” / “nice one”
— — You are loyal to PoorME. You love it to death and will protect it to death. - B) CruelME: Doubter / Critic: Always critical and reinforcing the “not good enough” narrative. Setting super high standards and then beating up for not meeting them. Always comparing oneself to others. Constant doubt and skepticism on abilities and constant criticism of the efforts and outcomes.
— — Pretends to be the “protective one” / “intelligent one”
— — You are respectful and in awe of CruelME as it dishes out criticism thinking it will help you see the gap and grow. - C) SuperME: Curious / Courageous / Creative / Willing: It is the one living on the edge. Willing to take risks, and ask curious questions. Has the courage to take actions in spite of fear and speak up at the cost of upsetting others.
— — You are just a mere acquaintance with SuperME, as it makes once in a while appearances, and then you forget it exists or what it has done. - D) WiseME: The one who knows and one who can think clearly. This is the voice that keeps track of past and spot patterns. It also keeps your intention. Most importantly it is the Love Giver and Forgiver (companion through both comfort and discomfort and forgiver for mistakes).
— — You have no idea of the existence of WiseME. You can’t even identify it when it speaks. And if it ever speaks, you don’t listen to it. - RealME: The one who sees. The objective and dispassionate observer. Almost like an audience in the play watching the drama unfold but does not react to it. It is able to see everything and learn from it. It is the deep awareness. Very equanimous and very boring. No drama.
— — You have no relationship since it’s so boring. It is the discarded and disregarded voice
3. What roles are our voices typically playing in our stories to impede us
Now the question is, in your stories what roles are these voices playing.
- PoorMe as hero/protagonist: In most of our stories “PoorMe” is the hero / protagonist. The story revolves around it. It is the main character. The nice one, the sacrificing one, the victim and then the martyr. Always pleasing people and everyone one loves it because of this. So it pretends to be the hero by sacrificing itself and gets love and admiration from people.
- CruelMe as wise/guardian: “CruelMe” plays the wise one/guardian, by giving us guidance in the form of criticism and skepticism to warn us of the dangers. It is protecting us by thinking of all things that can go wrong. And it helps us grow by pointing out all our mistakes all the time. And it does so very cruelly, but we listen to it diligently.
- SuperMe as villain/antagonist: The PoorMe convinces us that the “SuperMe” is the villain/antagonist. So when it shows courage to speak up, draws boundaries, prioritizes it upsets other people and looks like the villain, who is totally spoiling your image. When SuperMe shows courage to make changes, take steps towards your dreams, and make mistakes as part of learning, the PoorMe makes it look like stupid and one that will put you in danger and take your safety away.
- WiseMe as misguide/contagonist: The”CruelMe” convinces us that “WiseMe” is the Contagonist, tempting the hero away from the goals. So when it actually warns you about how you may get hurt looking at the past history of repeating patterns, the CruelMe tells you don’t listen to it. When WiseMe tells you that you did well, gives you credit for overcoming obstacles then CruelMe convinces you that that voice is keeping you complacent and will stop you from growing. When WiseMe offers you love and forgiveness, CruelMe convinces you that it is mollycoddling you and drawing blinds over your eyes.
- The “RealMe”, the observer is basically missing and that is why this whole havoc is happening.
Why does this happen: Our social conditioning of “not enough” and “beating ourselves to grow” is the primary reason these voices have taken the opposite role. We grew up watching our parents, teachers and elders model this behavior of shaming and victimizing and pleasing others and we adopted it subconsciously.
4. What roles should our voices play that will actually serve us
The Tipping point: As we continue suffering, generally there comes a point in our lives where we start asking questions. This is the beginning of waking up from this trance and it wakes up the RealME, the observer, who can see this pattern where our voices are playing the wrong roles. Then it can objectively point that out, so you can start identifying the voices and their roles. Then you can make a choice of what role you actually want them to play. This is the tipping point of empowerment. This is where we realize for the first time we have a choice. We are writers of our own story. We are directors. We can give different roles to these voices.
- Imagine if SuperME plays the hero. As it takes risks, shows courage, speaks up, draws boundaries, prioritizes self care and life goals. And this hero is allowed to make mistakes and learn and keep living on the edge and pushing the boundary.
- Imagine if WiseME plays the guide. As it teaches you about love, kindness, compassion and forgiveness. It pats you on the back for what you have done and shows you the path of greater learning with kindness. It forgives for mistakes you make on the way as you learn.
- Imagine if PoorME plays the villain. As it constantly keeps you in status quo and playing helpless. It takes away your power and courage. It locks you in dark, lonely corners and the only time you are allowed to see light is when you play the tunes of others to please them. What if you spot this voice, and say to it “I see you and I am not falling for you. I know you are ill-intentioned since you think I should play small and stay quiet. You are my villain not the hero. My story will no longer rotate around you.”
- Imagine if CruelME plays the misguide. As it constantly beats you up, it does not move you in the direction of progress but takes away your energy and power. It makes you feel less than and not enough. It misguides you to spend your energy on constantly soothing yourself and then never make actual progress towards your goals. It is not the guide, it is the misguide, the contagonist.
- Imagine if you become the RealME. If you detach your identity and idea of self from the PoorME, CruelME, SuperME, and even WiseME. And attach it to the RealME which is the dispassionate observer, who can “see” everything with no judgement. And it can strategically then lean on SuperME and WiseME to move you towards your goals, while warning you when it “sees” PoorME and CruelME making a lot of noise.
We are the narrators, writer, directors and even the audience to our own stories. These stories are powerful. They can free us or imprison us. The only way for them to free us and propel us is when we assign the right roles to the voices in our heads. These voices will never go away, but we can choose who to give the center stage and mic and who should we listen to.
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