The invisible conversation
Imagine you are standing on one end, your colleague is on the other end and there is bridge in the middle connecting you two. Now, you just sent a car his way with some luggage. He receives it and empties the car. Then he reloads the car with other luggage and sends it your way. You receive it and empty the car. And now you send the car back with new luggage. You both keep doing this back and forth.
This scene is a metaphor for a “conversation” between you and your colleague (let’s call him Joe).
The bridge represents the relationship between you and Joe.
The car represents the topic you are talking about.
The luggage represents each one’s opinions.
In EVERY conversation, there are 2 conversations:
#1 The visible one: The car aka the topic. We see the car and actively drive it.
#2 The invisible one: The bridge aka the relationship. We take the bridge for granted, and hence invisible.
I want to talk about the role and importance of the relationship in a conversation. And how it makes or breaks the conversation.
#1 The visible conversation: The topic (the car).
Weather, politics, project status, technology, sports, vacation; are some examples of topics we talk about. We consciously pick the topic and engage in exchanging facts or opinions about it. Sometimes there are agendas behind these topics and sometimes it’s just small talk. It does not matter. Only thing that matters is, that it is a conscious choice and both parties are aware of the topic of conversation.
#2 The invisible conversation: The relationship (the bridge).
- The only way the car can travel back and forth (in the metaphor), is if there is a bridge to travel on. The bridge is the relationship. So without a relationship you cannot have a conversation on any topic.
- Wait what about a stranger you just chatted up at the airport? Yes even for a stranger you are meeting for the first time, you will form an intuitive assessment of the person and that will guide your “assumed” relationship with them. That relationship defines how much you trust them and what you can talk about.
- How fast the car travels is based on how stable and smooth the bridge is. You can talk directly and quickly without beating around the bushes based on how much trust you have in the relationship.
- How big the car can be, and how much luggage can you send, is based on how wide and strong the bridge is. You can talk about “big” / sensitive topics and share lots of opinions without jeopardizing your relationship if it’s a strong and trusting relationship.
Now that we understand what the bridge represents. Let’s look at its importance.
Bridge Collapse:
- Imagine the bridge starts falling and you don’t notice it. All you notice is that the car is not reaching Joe. And all he notices is that the car is not reaching you. You both are getting frustrated and start sending more and more cars with more and more luggage hoping it will reach the other end. Well, you both just broke the bridge. This is what a conversation gone wrong looks like.
Real example of bridge collapse:
You: Hi Joe, I want to talk about the project status. [car = topic = project status]
Joe: Sure. Let me bring up my XL. Here are the current pending items and all the things we have finished. I think it’s going great.
You: Oh, I thought those last items would have been done too.
[bridge starts wavering]
Joe: I don’t know why you would say that. I thought we all agreed on this plan and now your expectations are little surprising. We have been working very hard.
[you don’t notice the bridge is wavering. You still march on with topic]
You: But the project ETA to my knowledge was last week. I don’t understand.
Joe: I don’t know where that ETA came from. We can’t finish any faster.
[relationship bridge broken]
Joe: You can talk to my boss if this does not align with your expectations. I have to run for a meeting.
[nothing useful came out of this conversation. And now you have severed the relationship between you and Joe.]
So the question is how do we avoid a bridge collapse.
Bridge Protection:
- Step 1: Be aware of the bridge in the first place. Know that there is always this invisible conversation about your relationship.
- Step 2: When you see the other person is not able to get your point, the emotions are rising and topic is getting derailed, then it is an indication of bridge shaking. Something is going wrong (not in the topic) in the relationship.
- Step 3: Halt the car. Halt the topic.
- Step 4: Talk about mending the bridge. Talk about what is going wrong in the trust / safety of the relationship and how can you restore it. Make the necessary amends like apologize, explain your intentions, acknowledge your impact etc.
- Step 5: Only if Step 4 is successful and your relationship bridge is restored, can you proceed to Step 5. Step 5 is where you can resume the car traffic aka topic.
Real example of bridge protection:
You: Hi Joe, I want to talk about the project status. [car = topic = project status]
Joe: Sure. Let me bring up my XL. Here is the current pending items and all the things we have finished. I think it’s going great.
You: Oh, I thought those last items would have been done too.
[bridge starts wavering]
Joe: I don’t know why you would say that. I thought we all agreed on this plan and now your expectations are little surprising. We have been working very hard.
[you notice the bridge is wavering, so mend it]
You: I did not mean to imply that your team is not working hard. I respect your hard work and trust you.
Joe: I appreciate you saying that.
[relationship bridge restored, cars / topics resume]
Joe: Would you like to discuss the ETA and how to adjust the project plan?
You: Yes. Let’s do that.
……..
Next time your car is getting derailed, focus on the bridge, look for the invisible conversation and make it visible. It will save you from burning the bridges!
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