Be kind, not nice.

Photo by Sandrachile . on Unsplash

We most often confuse Kindness with Niceness.

• Niceness is a cowardly state. It originates from appeasing the other/self to “avoid” conflict and to soothe oneself.
• Kindness is a courageous state. It originate from acknowledging what is hard and offering compassion to all that is hard to serve oneself.

• Nice phrases to others:
  — — “Don’t worry, it will be ok”.
  — — “Yes yes I will do it”.
  — — “Oh man, you dressed up so much. It was not needed”
• Kind phrases to others:
  — — “This must be hard for you, Its ok”
  — — “I wish I could say yes. But I won’t be able to”
  — — “Thank you for dressing up and marking this occasion with importance and making it feel so special”

• Nice phrases to self:
  — — “Its ok you deserve this, eat the icecream”
  — — “They are all jerks. You did not deserve it”
  — — “F*** the world. Its an unfair place”
• Kind phrases to self:
  — — “You are hurting. I hear you and I am here for you”
  — — “I see you are feeling betrayed. Its ok if you don’t understand their reasons right now”
  — — “How do you feel? What do you need?”

• Niceties are all about status quo. It is about soothing yourself or others to keep them in the state. Its like offering alcohol to an alcoholic so that he does not suffer in the moment. It’s an enabling behavior in a co-dependent relationship. It is short term focused.
• Kindness is about courage to see things as they are and having the courage to accept so you can change. Its about serving yourself in long term with compassion. Kindness is not about being harsh. It is all about an open heart full of compassion without obsessively trying to soothe.

Now some days we all need soothing and trivial niceties. Which is fine. But its important to know soothing is not same as serving so we can be conscious about the mode we pick. Most scary thing is that most people confuse niceness with kindness and keep doing “nice” things, without understanding the cost. And no one is going to sign up to be “not nice”. But if they understand the difference between nice and kind, they will sign up to be “kind”.

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